I never asked this question to myself for a really long time. Never. For me, life was more about doing the "right" thing and protecting others from my feelings. I searched for validation in authors, in friends, in characters on cinema...whatever worked.
But usually others did not get it. So far as I pushed what I felt, under the carpet, no one else knew my anger. When I expected something I wanted from others, something very reasonable like returning a call and did not get it, I rationalized. Oh! she must be busy right now. There must be a really important reason. Sometimes the saint in me told me - Move beyond expectation. Dont ask. Be Loving. Let it go. Be brave.
It only helped for a while.
The anger grew within and then became sadness. It began to be the way to live. Loving others without loving myself did not work.
I slowly realize that it does not have to be that way. I can ask for what I think I deserve. It is all right to expect. It is all right to feel miserable when I do not get what I want. It is important, very important to find those who will listen to what I ask for and would make an effort to reach out. But ask what you deserve. Have that clarity. Don't be afraid of asking. Otherwise, how would others even know.
Yes, life is complex. Yes, sometimes we reach out and are frustrated. But it is important to wear your heart inside out. To be vulnerable. To show vulnerability. It is a softer heart and a harder path but I am coming to peace with it.
But usually others did not get it. So far as I pushed what I felt, under the carpet, no one else knew my anger. When I expected something I wanted from others, something very reasonable like returning a call and did not get it, I rationalized. Oh! she must be busy right now. There must be a really important reason. Sometimes the saint in me told me - Move beyond expectation. Dont ask. Be Loving. Let it go. Be brave.
It only helped for a while.
The anger grew within and then became sadness. It began to be the way to live. Loving others without loving myself did not work.
I slowly realize that it does not have to be that way. I can ask for what I think I deserve. It is all right to expect. It is all right to feel miserable when I do not get what I want. It is important, very important to find those who will listen to what I ask for and would make an effort to reach out. But ask what you deserve. Have that clarity. Don't be afraid of asking. Otherwise, how would others even know.
Yes, life is complex. Yes, sometimes we reach out and are frustrated. But it is important to wear your heart inside out. To be vulnerable. To show vulnerability. It is a softer heart and a harder path but I am coming to peace with it.
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