The crossroad...

We have truly no idea how the next moment would turn out. But we don't live that way. It takes immense courage to live like that. As if you are on the edge of a mountain. You can fall off any moment but then maybe you won't. Or maybe it is more like standing at the beginning of infinite crossroads- the point where a node breaks into many others- all in different directions and you can either just keep walking in the same direction or switch to another. What do you do? The road ahead is likely to be the same. But the road on the left could take you on a different path. But then is that yours to take? And usually it is all dark and you can't even see much ahead except a vague silhouette of what lies ahead.

Every moment brings up questions like this and all we can do is to nudge apart the shades of the past which cover the lantern of awareness. Then somehow, something helps you know which way to turn. And you turn and come to another crossroad.

At one point, I used to think that this was getting too difficult. I wanted a simple, well defined, clear path and take any surprise out of it. Having choice comes with its responsibilities. And, at times, we choose to live this difficult life of awareness. And sometimes, we prefer to blindfold ourselves, trust in luck and keep moving on the same path. And then we blame why it is not how we expected it to be.

As I grow older, I see that it is all right to change paths or to keep moving. Except without the blindfold. Then even though things don't turn out the way I expect, I am just that bit more at peace. Even when I have an accident. Because I know that it was the path that I chose and that is enough.

So, what do i deserve?

I never asked this question to myself for a really long time. Never. For me, life was more about doing the "right" thing and protecting others from my feelings. I searched for validation in authors, in friends, in characters on cinema...whatever worked.

But usually others did not get it. So far as I pushed what I felt, under the carpet, no one else knew my anger. When I expected something I wanted from others, something very reasonable like returning a call and did not get it, I rationalized. Oh! she must be busy right now. There must be a really important reason. Sometimes the saint in me told me - Move beyond expectation. Dont ask. Be Loving. Let it go.  Be brave.

It only helped for a while.

The anger grew within and then became sadness. It began to be the way to live. Loving others without loving myself did not work.

I slowly realize that it does not have to be that way. I can ask for what I think I deserve. It is all right to expect. It is all right to feel miserable when I do not get what I want. It is important, very important to find those who will listen to what I ask for and would make an effort to reach out. But ask what you deserve. Have that clarity. Don't be afraid of asking. Otherwise, how would others even know.

Yes, life is complex. Yes, sometimes we reach out and are frustrated. But it is important to wear your heart inside out. To be vulnerable. To show vulnerability. It is a softer heart and a harder path but I am coming to peace with it. 

Who is in your cloud?

"So, what do you do when you feel that you are ALWAYS in the minority?", asked a friend to me in today morning. "How do you react when what you say and feel seems to be different from what others say and feel?", she asked.

I looked back at her. My answer was "Self compassion". From where I am standing that seems to be the only way to deal with this. I have felt a part of such minority for a really long time. I guess many of us have. We try to fit in, adjust, make amends, say sorry and be like others. The urge to be "we" is strong. Overpowering. But sooner or later, for some of us, the "me" will rebel. It will grow stronger and keep asking - a voice that you can't really quiet down. But accepting and proclaiming our difference in perception brings the fear of being an outcast- separate from the herd. And separation is death, shouts another voice encoded within for survival.

Hence, self compassion. To love oneself without any comparison or judgement. Especially when you feel absolutely by yourself and without a hand to hold on to.

But, self compassion can be tiring. It requires rejuvenation. So, a more practical option is to also search for those who "connect" to you. Those soul warriors are few but they are out there. They might not have the same troubles as you have but they have suffered and they will understand what you mean when you say that clearing your emotional debris is no cake-walk. Their bag of worries and their baggage of past might be different but their path and their way of walking on it is the same as yours.

Then, when they talk to you, healing happens.

Today, the same friend who asked me questions about being in the minority mentioned Jeff Brown and I chanced upon his quotes. And I could connect to it. Like a child who sees one sea shell on the shore and then another ...and then one more, I began to read what he said. I began to fill my pockets with these lovely shells till my pockets bulged.

So, create a cloud. Put yourself in it. Put all those who connect to you in it too. They could be friends or colleagues. Even authors. Anyone whose reflections of their journey resonate with you. And even though your cloud might be small, you would feel that you are not alone. Let them go when you no longer connect to them. Let yourself go find another cloud if you dont connect with them. After all, clouds have no fixed boundaries. And neither have you.

So, Jeff Brown - welcome to my cloud. I am not alone, and neither are you..